Are We Wired to Want Stuff?

I’ll always remember a vacation second a couple of years in the past, when I discovered myself in a negotiation with my youthful daughter over her present listing. In concept, I’ve by no means wished my youngsters to make lists of issues they need for Christmas and Hanukkah. However we did “go see Santa” after they had been youthful, and so they did put together to ask him for a present, so I’ve by no means actually put my cash the place my mouth is.

Anyway, my daughter was behind the automotive rattling off all of the issues she wished for Christmas, excitedly, as if it had been a performed deal and he or she would quickly be receiving the whole lot she ever hoped for.

And I used to be anxiously attempting to do injury management. I defined that Santa solely brings one toy (“Nah-ah, Mother, he introduced Ella THREE final 12 months!”). Santa can’t convey dwell animals (she passionately wished a dwell llama). And in case your grandparents get you Uggs as an alternative of Payless knock-offs, you gained’t get some other presents from them (financial logic misplaced on a seven-year-old).

I assumed I used to be going to lose my thoughts. I’d been attempting to create particular vacation traditions that foster optimistic feelings like gratitude and altruism—traditions that will convey that means, connection, and optimistic recollections. And all of it gave the impression to be falling on deaf ears. My kids had wish-lists longer than they had been tall. Even my mother and father had been preventing me on going to church Christmas Eve, as a result of they thought it might minimize into the present trade.

I do know I’m not alone; almost all of my coaching shoppers have expressed related dismay. So if we don’t need our youngsters to be whipped right into a client frenzy, and we worth different issues, why does this occur, 12 months after 12 months?

One reply, after all, is that on some stage our society has come to imagine that our economic system will depend on a present giving extravaganza, and that the vacations wouldn’t be enjoyable with out all of the presents. I’ve been reflecting on this, and on the opposite forces at work this time of 12 months. Right here’s why I feel we wish, need, need a lot stuff come the vacations.

Why Holidays Are About “Wanting” Stuff

1. We systematically confuse gratification, which is fleeting, with actual pleasure or lasting happiness.

It’s a fancy idea for a seven-year-old (and generally, for a 37-year-old): We will really feel gratified once we get one thing new—we’d even get a success of delight—however that gratification isn’t actually the identical factor as happiness.

Consider how gratitude feels—or compassion, inspiration, or awe. Consider how you’re feeling when you find yourself head over heels in love along with your new child, or amorous in direction of your longtime partner. These are deep optimistic feelings—and to me, they’re the optimistic feelings which might be on the basis of a contented life.

Gratification nonetheless feels good. It’s central to our mind’s reward and motivation techniques. However once we confuse it with precise happiness, we expect that we are able to’t actually be pleased—or that our children gained’t be pleased—with out all of the presents and buying.

2. Our brains are hardwired to pursue rewards. Happiness is a reward. It’s not that we aren’t constructed to pursue happiness, as a result of we’re.

However the important thing phrase right here is pursue: Our mind’s built-in reward system motivates us towards all of the carrots, giant and small, which might be dangling on the market. We’ll pursue something that looks as if a reward, and our children will, too.

When our mind identifies a doable reward, it releases a strong neurotransmitter referred to as dopamine. That dopamine rush propels us towards the reward. Dopamine creates a really actual want for the carrot dangled in entrance of us.

It makes us extra vulnerable to different temptations as nicely, which is why once we resolve that we wish a cashmere sweater, that cookie over there immediately appears fairly good, and so do these cute Pottery Barn dishes. Excessive dopamine ranges amplify the enchantment of quick gratification (which is why you immediately can’t cease checking your electronic mail), and makes us much less involved about long-term penalties (like your bank card invoice).

Sadly, our mind doesn’t distinguish between rewards that truly will make us happier and the issues that gained’t. Dopamine simply motivates us to chase all of them. In that method, we are wired to need every kind of issues.

3. All of the carrots being dangled on the market are dizzying.

They don’t name it neuro-marketing for nothing—imagine me, the advertisers know stimulate that dopamine rush in our youngsters.

And the way does a child pursue a reward in December? They put it on their wish-list, then endlessly nag us till we break down and concede that, sure, generally Santa does convey a couple of present. Or that each evening of Hanukkah can convey a “little one thing.”

So when our children appear grasping or materialistic at the moment of 12 months, it doesn’t imply that we’ve did not instill good values in them, or that they’re spoiled and bratty. It implies that they’re human, and that they’re underneath the siege of a marketing-induced dopamine rush.

What’s the knowledge within the wanting?

This is a crucial lesson for our children to study! Right here’s how we might help: We will train them to acknowledge what makes them need, need, need. We will train them to comprehend when they’re being manipulated by advertisers.

That is onerous, however I’ve seen that it’s doable: The opposite day, my older daughter was barely watching a distant TV in a Thai restaurant, and he or she stated, “Wow, I do know that business was meant to make me need these pants, and it WORKED. I really need these pants. I really feel like I could be happier if I had THOSE PANTS.” She nonetheless wished the pants, after all, however at the very least she was gaining some perception into her want. She couldn’t stop the dopamine rush, however she might reply to it.

Lastly, by creating significant traditions, we are able to train our children what really will convey them lasting happiness throughout the holidays—like beginning a gratitude tradition or serving to others. These are the issues that they actually will keep in mind.

This text initially appeared on Greater Good, the net journal of UC Berkeley’s Higher Good Science Heart, considered one of Aware’s companions. To view the unique article, click here. GGSC’s protection of gratitude is sponsored by the John Templeton Foundation as a part of the Expanding Gratitude venture.